Get outta my space!

That person in line behind you standing too close. Crowds. Sitting between strangers in the bus. All of these situations can have a tendency to make us uncomfortable. This is because everyone carries around a bubble known as personal space that is almost an extension of our own bodies. The study of this is called “proxemics”. In each of the situations, a stranger is probably getting into your comfort zone. That zone, called the social distance, seems to be from four to twelve feet. With people we know better, the distance, called personal distance, is about eighteen inches to four feet. It differs for each person, as well as different cultures. One of the first days of my French class, my teacher was explaining that in France, conversations occur at a much closer distances than we’re used to in the US. As an example, the teacher had a mock conversation with a student, slowly moving closer, until eventually it got to the point where the student got too uncomfortable and had to take a step back. We all had a laugh, because it’s true that Americans seem to have bigger personal space bubbles than people from some other countries.

The amount of personal space you give someone shows how you feel towards the other person, the context of the conversation, and the goals you have for the relationship. Just by looking at the distance between them, it is possible to tell what sort of relationship people have. Women usually have smaller personal space bubbles than men, but we all give more space to those of higher status than us. By choosing the optimal distance, we are showing sensitivity to our feelings as well as the other person’s.

            This video shows someone who is a "close talker" and has no regard for others’ personal space. It’s easy to see how uncomfortable they are! We tend to form low opinions of people of this sort.

What were you saying? I wasn't listening.

In the past month, two of the comics running in the newspaper joked about listening – or, more accurately, the lack thereof. They both run in the same vein. Although both the characters acted like they were listening to the others, they clearly weren’t. We get into those kinds of situations all the time. Everyone knows a person who only needs the encouragement of an occasional nod of the head from you to talk for hours. Usually you don’t really listen to them. You think about other things – what needs doing at home, the next errand you’re going to run, your plans for world domination, or other pressing matters. This is called mindless listening.

               Listening is the kind of communication used the most by us in our everyday lives. Though it is important and we use it so frequently, we are not always good listeners. There is a huge difference between the mindless listening exhibited in those comics and the best kind – mindful listening. It doesn’t take much effort to nod your head and smile, but real mindful listening is a complicated thought process that takes all of the concentration and patience you can muster. Real listening has five elements: Hearing, attending, understanding, responding, and remembering. If one of those elements is left out, then your communication will suffer for it.

           How can you be that good listener everyone likes talking to? First, remember to talk less. If you want to hear what someone is saying, it makes sense not to try to shift the conversation away from them and onto you. In the cartoons, both the characters were very good at staying silent and letting the other person talk. Next, we need to get rid of distractions. That means ignoring the cell phone and other such distractions that are around. Another element of being a good listener involves avoiding premature judgment of the speaker. If their view is different from yours, it’s always a good idea to wait until you understand their point of view and where they’re coming from before giving your opinion. Lastly, when listening to a long-winded person, don’t try to remember every word they say. Instead, focus on the most important points they seem to be making.

Since everyone likes being listened to, it’s only fair that we also become good listeners for others’ benefit. Sometimes talking can be so much easier than actually listening to someone, but that is why listening is even more important. As the philosopher once said, "We have been given two ears and but a single mouth, in order that we may hear more and talk less."

Self Disclosure and Wal-Mart

So I was checking out at Wal-mart the other day. The cashier was in her early twenties, and  she was talkative. And I mean extremely talkative. I thought I had met talkative people before, but they paled in comparison to her. As she rang up some underwear I had bought, she said, “I need to get some of these too.” I mean, what is one supposed to say to that???? She also went on to talk about how glad she was that it was Thursday, because she had the next two days off. When I politely commented that that was nice, she started talking about how it wasn’t really that nice since she was going to Lake City or somewhere to take care of some things. I half expected her to start telling me what those things were. The upside of her bubbly-ness was that she came across as very friendly – I suppose I should be glad she wasn’t as grumpy as most cashiers.

This whole episode made me think about self-disclosure. How much do you self-disclose to strangers? Probably not nearly as much as that cashier did. Most people follow the same boundaries: we talk about meaningless drivel with people until we’ve know them for a long time, then BAM we are able open up to them and spill our guts. Too much self disclosure too soon, as I noticed with the cashier, can make things uncomfortable. It has been found that people find high self-disclosing people to be nice and friendly, but would rather not have them as a close friend. Who would want to tell their secrets to someone who is not going to be able to keep those secrets?

Not having enough self disclosure can also not be good, especially if it makes the relationship lopsided. How would you feel if you told someone your deepest, darkest secret, and in return, they disclosed something trivial, like that they have always wanted a dog? Wouldn’t you feel cheated and unsatisfied, as if they weren’t into the relationship as you are? It is always important to stay aware of how much/little is being disclosed in your relationships.